I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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