Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
