the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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