I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You smell like stripper and shame
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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