You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
