What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
