No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
