my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize