I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
