you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
