Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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