Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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