I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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