Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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