Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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