You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
