Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
