He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
