Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
