I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize