i don't like sucking hair
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
