I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
