I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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