Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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