A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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