When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
