i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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