He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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