Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize