filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
