I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
