i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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