Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
