god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
