Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
