I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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