I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Drake has all the answers
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
