Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
True college students do jello shots in the library
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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