I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
