I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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