I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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