I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize