laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
