Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
