For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
