The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
