Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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