i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
