I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Help me help you realize you are a moron
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
