Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize