I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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