i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
