i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
40s are totally the cure
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
