I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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