my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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