So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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